Terrible Parenting or Awkward Social Malfunction?

Let's get one thing straight - I ADORE my kids.  I'd move Heaven and Earth for my children.  I think they are spectacular and intelligent and adorable.  However ... *clears throat awkwardly* ... to be entirely honest with you ... *looks around to see who's listening in* ... my kids can be jerks.

*GASP*

*Giving you time to mutter amongst yourself in disbelief of my awful parenting*

"Can you believe she said that?"

"She's really quite terrible."

"Child Protection Services will be there shortly to interrogate her, surely."

"WHY do people like her have kids?"

Are you quite finished? Can we move on?

Remember when I said I adore my children?  I DO! They are my heart and soul. I spent 16 years focusing on raising the two of them to be polite, productive, intelligent, lovely members of society.  My oldest is now 17, and my youngest is 12.  I went back to work full time last year for the first time since my oldest was born.  It's been an adjustment for them at times to have my attention divided, but they're doing just fine overall.  Know why?  I didn't raise them to think they were the center of the entire universe.  

That's right, I said it. 98% percent of the time they are.  I drive them back and forth to school, I spend hours working in the car waiting on them for one reason or another, when I'm tired of the car I sit in Starbucks.  I don't live conveniently placed to their schools, so those multiple trips a day add up.  And it's okay -- that's one of the things I'm here for!

But do you know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of judgy types who think if I say anything remotely untoward about one of my children I must SURELY be a jackass less-than-desirable parent for besmirching my child's character.

CASE IN POINT:

For the life of me, I often don't know WHY I open my mouth and speak. But I did yesterday morning at the orthodontist. I don't care what you think you know about me based on my job, but I am an introvert. I'm not even close to the middle hovering around ambivert.  I'm firmly ensconced in my introverted personality, and making pointless small talk with people I don't know is not only mentally draining but ends up making me look like an idiot when I fumble for something to fill the awkward silence.

If you know us in the slightest, you'll know what I mean when I say my youngest child is SQUIRRELLY.  She is also petite, full of life, loving, smart, adorable, infuriating, pretty sneaky (because girls, y'all), completely extroverted, bubbly, and in the throes of preteen drama and hormones. (*whispers* Help me.) But SQUIRRELLY she is.  I often call it Squirrel-itis. I have learned NOT to give her more than one task at a time.  I also know she doesn't pay attention if she's not interested in something.  Not that she can't -- she just won't.  If you watched the movie Up, you'll understand this meme.  If not, watch it and get back with me.

It was 7:30 in the morning, and the orthodontist started giving her instructions about where to hook her rubber bands, when to wear them, etc. I good-naturedly said, "You'll need to make sure I see where they should go because she won't remember by tonight.  She's pretty squirrelly about things like that."

He just stared at me -- blankly. 

 

It was a VERY long 

2 seconds.

HUH?

It. Gets. Better.  Not only is there an awkward silence as he stares at me, but I have twitchy need to fill that awkward silence with words.  I grapple with something intelligent to say and manage to fumble out, "Um, maybe it's a girl thing." 

No wait.  It. Gets. Worse. The orthodontists blank look takes on a slightly judgy manner and he actually looks at me and says, "Well, we're all made different."

Not only had I just been making casual conversation, I was being HONEST about the fact that she wouldn't pay attention to his directives.  She isn't unaware she's like that -- she's TWELVE! In fact, she even jokes about it herself.  I wasn't making fun of her in front of people, I wasn't insulting her, I wasn't being cruel or harsh. I was being HONEST. Since WHEN did it become unacceptable to admit your child might possibly have flaws? 

This wasn't the first time I received that type of look.  Not long ago, we were out shopping.  She was being particularly bratty at that moment about whatever preteen thing she had to moan over.  I looked up at a woman we were passing in the store just as I told her, very plainly, "THIS is why no one wants to be around you today.  When you're acting like a BRAT, you are not the least bit fun to be around." The look on the woman's face was definitely judgy ... and open-mouthed.

My viewpoint on honesty with my kids is that I'd MUCH rather it come from their parents than to be sent out into the world to have strangers or people they work with or go to school with tell them how awful they are because their attitudes have never been addressed. I CAN tell them they are being bratty or acting like a jerk because I DO LOVE THEM despite their occasional undesirable behavior.  I applaud you if you approach your children with a sing-songy voice in every situation.  My children are NOT in the tender stages of developing their personalities. They are MORE than old enough to be aware of their behavior and to make choices.  In real life, people are fired for bad attitudes, for not being team players, or treating others with respect. I real life, relationships aren't successful when they can't handle hearing the truth or think it's okay to lash out at people.

If the soft and easy approach is your preferred mentality and method of raising your kids, that is absolutely fine.  But my way isn't wrong either.  Because in the next breath I will tell my kids how much I love them and explain why their behavior isn't okay. We all have different methods of handling our kids.  We all want them to be successful and happy and well-rounded individuals. I won't judge you or accuse you of coddling your kids if you don't accuse me of being mean to mine. None of us are perfect.  The orthodontist was correct, we ARE all made differently, so it's safe to say we aren't all going to parent exactly the same.