Admittedly, I've been a huge hypocrite. I've spent so much of my time telling other people why they are awesome, why they should love themselves, and why they shouldn't think their personalities are bad just because they don't go with the status quo. I'm great at dishing out the pep talk, and I SUCK at applying it to my own life. Yeah, yeah ... I know, that's not an eloquent word -- but it gets the point across, and it's nicer than some others I could use.
Over the years I've randomly written things about my family's antics, or even snippets of things just for myself that I've saved to look back over from time to time, but last year I intentionally set up a blog despite doing very little with it. I called it Stretching the Comfort Zone, and the entire point of the name is that I've spent a couple of years seriously stretching my personal comfort zones -- like a lot. Today I felt it stretching again, but this time I nearly heard an audible *POP* as I came to a nasty realization. I've spent years apologizing for something I should NOT be apologizing for.
I'm taking back some of my own random apologies. Yeah, that's right - Taking.Them.Back. I've repeatedly found myself apologizing over the years for over communicating. Huh? I was getting ready to apologize again for it earlier (I literally just did it last night -- you know who you are -- I'd say sorry but ... not so much now) when I realized how freaking STUPID that is. WHY ON EARTH would I apologize because I take MY TIME to try and explain what I'm thinking enough to be clear? I'm a solid supporter of being introverted -- I'm tried and true -- yet I'm apologizing that when I do have something to say it's "too much". Where's the logic? There IS no logic there.
The majority of my life is lived via typed communication. I'm surrounded on all sides working with people who WRITE for a living -- they tell stories and build mental images and characters WITH THEIR WORDS. I spend most of every day immersed in worlds created by the WRITTEN WORD yet I apologize that I over explain and type "too much" when I'm communicating. Wes will often glance over and see me typing out yet another message or paragraph to someone and make comments about how it's "too much" to read for the other person. Or how I should be more direct or cut back on what I say. Caleb tells me, "Just pick up the phone and call, for Pete's sake!"
WHY SHOULD I? As much as it is someone else's right to be short and sweet, or even terse at times, in their responses, why isn't it my right to be more verbose? Why is one better or worse than the other? Because I feel guilty that I'm "taking up too much" of their time? Isn't mine just as valuable? You know what takes up a lot of time? MISUNDERSTANDINGS from lack of communication. Oh yeah, that's right, I said it. Whereas some people might find it taxing to have to read too much, maybe the over communicators of us find it taxing to constantly be second-guessing what others of the less communicating route are thinking or mean in their semi-explained responses.
You know what I've finally figured out today? One is NO WORSE than the other. Neither are wrong. We're all different. Part of my personality might be annoying to some, but guess what? Just maybe sometimes their lack of communication annoys me. I'm done feeling guilty, done apologizing, for something that is NOT a flaw except to those who think their way is the only "right" way.
What it boils down to is being KIND to others even if we don't fully understand their personalities. I have no right to ask them to change who they are, so neither do they (the proverbial "they") have a right to think I should change. There truly does have to be a compromise between both that leaves neither feeling slighted or frustrated, but that requires effort -- on both parts.
I'd apologize for taking too many paragraphs to explain, but that would be hugely hypocritical ... wouldn't it? It's a dirty little habit that might take me some time to break, but I'm determine to stop apologizing for my personality constantly and seeing myself as less than simply because my personality isn't conforming to those around me.
I've had the beautiful and eye-opening pleasure of getting to know a couple of women over the last year or so that have been shining examples of learning to be okay with who I am and not constantly feel inferior for reasons that make no sense. Hopefully, they know who they are (because I'll over explain and tell them, of course), and I'm eternally grateful for their unwitting examples. I'm always going to over think and ponder if I'm saying too much or not enough -- it's just the way I'm wired. But maybe someday I'll figure out this skin of mine, stretch it to the point of growing a little more here and there, then lather, rinse, and repeat.
