Choosing Adoption after Infertility

On October 20, 2005 we stood before a judge in Wichita Falls, TX while he signed papers officially giving this little girl our last name. She was our baby long before this day, but that signature signified the end of a very long journey to complete our family. 

Prior to adoption we spent five years struggling with infertility.  Since we were overseas while Wes served in the Air Force, we did the bulk of our infertility treatments in a foreign country, with a crooked doctor.  He was a terrible man, that doctor.  But that is a subject for another blog post (Here, if you're curious) because this one is about a little girl who charged into our lives at full throttle and continues to keep us on our toes every day. 

Even though we lived across the Atlantic on the day she was born, we already knew she would be in our lives one day.  We knew the situation she was born into was not a good one. Call it intuition, call it a gut feeling, but we knew. This tiny girl came into the world at 29 weeks weighing only 2lbs and 2oz. She spent the first two months of her life in the NICU.  Preemies come into the world fighting, and so many of them retain that spunky, driven personality as they grow up.  Ours did.  

Although blessed to spend time with her a couple of times in the first year of her life, she didn't come to us until she was a year old.  From the moment we told Caleb he was going to have a little sister, he immediately accepted that she was part of our family.   He would draw pictures of his family and include her despite the fact she wasn't with us yet.  There was no transition necessary, no jealousy, no need to have it explained repeatedly.  He just accepted he didn't have a sister before but did now.  Children have such beautiful hearts.

I wish I could tell you we all adjusted that easily.  This tiny girl turned our household upside down, but from the very first moment I took her in my arms, she was MY baby...our baby. She was behind developmentally, as preemies often are. She had separation anxiety, and she would scream like a banshee if I left the room.  WOW could that girl scream.  But I took up yoga to keep my sanity, Wes learned to FINALLY change diapers (not so much with Caleb—okay, EVER), and we all adjusted slowly but surely.

We never hid Katlyn's adoption from her.  We celebrated it.  We told her how special she was, she completed our family, she was the answer to all of the prayers and the heartache we endured to complete our family. We told her we knew we were supposed to be a family of four—she was the answer to all of the whys and hows and longing. However, although we were open about the subject, we didn't share the origins and details behind her adoption with her until just recently. Not every story of adoption begins with beautiful sacrifice by people who just want better for their offspring.  Wes and I agreed early we'd never lie to her.  Because no matter what would happen later in life, we wanted her to know she could depend on us for honesty and support and answers where we could provide them. Reality is sometimes people are selfish and not everyone who CAN have children should...and frankly, sometimes they just plain suck.

I've spent the last nearly 18 years as a mother teaching my children that LOVE IS A CHOICE.  Every single day we wake up and choose to love.  It's not an accident, no special formula exists. I've told them time and again that being a parent isn't about who biologically creates you.  It's those who are there for you as you grow up.  The ones who take care of you when you're sick, hug you after the millionth tantrum, potty train you, teach you to ride a bike, help you learn morals, make you do your homework, provide for you, sacrifice for you...put you first.  Being a parent is setting aside selfish desires.  It's being there for your children SO much they can take you for granted.  Because at the end of the day, every child SHOULD be able to assume their parents will be there for them and love them...unconditionally.  

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.  It's also one of the most rewarding.  Your children can simultaneously love you and hate you...revere you and despise you...want to be with you but detest being in your presence.  They will take you for granted, stomp on your heart, then put their arms around you and meld the pieces of your heart together once again. 

God blessed us with the opportunity to adopt after we'd given up on having more children.  And as we've told Katlyn a million times, where we thought His answer was no, it was really that we just needed to wait because His plan was a bit different.  

And we wouldn't change it for the world.

Happy adoption day, Katlyn.  Thank you for completing our family. We love you unconditionally, we love you forever, and you are our baby girl now and always.

If you've NEVER been ANXIOUS, don't read this!!!

Habits are Hard to Break

I literally deleted the first sentence four times.  I was going to try and be funny, you know, to deflect.  Instead, I'll leave you with this and move on...

No, but seriously...

It's been a crazy whirlwind the last few weeks.  Lots of change, lots of adjustments, and a lot of stretching that ever-growing comfort zone.  Surprisingly enough, the most uncomfortable stretch I'm struggling with currently isn't about my job or my family...it's how I see myself...my self-worth. 

*GASP*

Before you shake your head in disbelief, let me just preempt your arguments.  So what if I'm outgoing and active online?  So what if I have a quirky sense of humor, love to laugh, and act goofy more times than not?  All of those things are true, no doubt.  But that doesn't change that many of us have insecurities and negative habits where our self-worth is concerned.  I've previously mentioned body image (HERE if you're curious) and being introverted (HERE if you're further curious) and even my constant need to apologize for over clarifying (HERE if you have the same problem habit).

One of my favorite books (and it's a decent movie) is The Secret Life of Bees.  The book follows a teenage girl as she leaves home to search for answers and fill the holes in her life...in her heart. Lily feels that she is unlovable. There's far more to it than just the little bit I'm hinting at here.  The cast is a powerhouse team of beautiful women during the Civil Rights era.  It's a story...or a journey really...of heartache, searching, and ultimately love and acceptance. I never get tired of re-reading it or even watching the movie. In fact, I think I'm about due again.  I suggest the ebook because you're going to highlight. Just saying.

I'm going to get kind of serious here, so beware...you've been warned.

"Lily feels that she is unlovable." <--- Did you read that up there? The first time I watched the movie, the moment she admits that wrecked me.  Why?  Because I've spent the majority of my life feeling unlovable.  I'm already rolling my eyes right now because this is the point where everyone wants to argue with someone when they say something like that.  Don't do it.  Just stop where you are and realize there's another message to this blog post.  YES, I've been married for 20 years, yes I have two children, and yes I have family that loves me.  But we all have pasts.  The older we get, the more mistakes we make in life.  It's a part of human nature.  Somewhere early on a tiny seed of self-doubt began to grow, and then the belief that I was inherently not enough blossomed. I had a knack for choosing the wrong people to trust, and it chipped away at my confidence and security to the point that I built a wall I kept firmly between me and the rest of the world.

For a long time I had the tendency to gravitate towards people with super outgoing, magnetic personalities that had so many friends there was always a disposable rotation of them.  I could comfortably be my introverted self and watch, listen, and go along with whatever they wanted.  Because I was just okay being included in their presence and that they seemingly wanted me around.  *I'm gagging at myself a little here*  I mean, seriously, how gross is that? The last time a friendship like that went badly, I realized (after a lengthy heartbroken period) that the fact remained the "friendship" meant far more to me than it did to the other individual.  I completely removed myself from any chances of getting to know someone to the point that I'd get attached...for years. I really and truly thought something was wrong with ME. Another point that solidified that was when someone I worked with awhile ago mistook my sincerity and desire to be a good coworker as some needy desire to be friends.  And this person actually said something along the lines, "I think the problem here is that you just want us to be good friends." OhMyGosh.  WHAT?!?!?! That was SUCH a humiliating moment for me because I wasn't even thinking along those lines, and it made me feel like people must see me as some gross, needy person.  Ugh.  I was hurt for a long time about that until I realized the problem was with that person, not me. Aside from my inability to choose wisely, I'm starting to see more that I'm not some terribly flawed individual. I'm ME.  And why does that have to be wrong?

As for that wall I retreated behind, wow has God been removing bricks for the last couple of years. Recently, I followed a link from a tweet that caught my attention. I started reading an article and stumbled onto a name that someone previously mentioned.  I hadn't dug into Brené Brown's work much yet, but this article made me stop and pay attention.  This quote absolutely whacked me upside my thick skull, "... a pervasive sense of shame makes many of us—particularly in America—feel unworthy of human connection. Why the shame? Because in this perfectionistic culture, most of us believe we’re “not good enough . . . not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough” to be worthy of love. So we can’t afford to let our guard down, become vulnerable, because letting others see us as we really are would mean we’d be rejected out of hand. Better to avoid emotional risk, avoid vulnerability, and numb ourselves to any pain we can’t escape. "  I might've cried when I read that.  Because it resonated.  Hard.

We all struggle in some form or another in life.  And my knee-jerk reaction to hide behind a wall of self-protection might keep me from feeling the vulnerability that Brené Brown described is normal but not the best solution.

This amazing quote came across my path, and it aptly describes human nature far better than I can.

We are NOT islands unto ourselves, and human nature craves the connection of others...the acceptance...feeling a part of something.  And when we feel as though others we value pull away or keep us at arm's length, it fuels that self-doubt.  It's yet another reason why it is so important to choose wisely when looking for our tribe.  I hope to find my tribe someday.  That safe place where I feel like it's okay to just relax and be me without second-guessing when they will get annoyed with me and pull away.

Fast forward a couple of weeks...

Second serious warning (no seriously, I'm going to be super honest here)...

A very dear friend sent me a link to a video recently, and on further inspection I found an entire article on the subject.  We've all heard about anxiety, but I NEVER classified myself as having anxiety.  I've known people with very debilitating anxiety, and I DO NOT struggle with that.  I function quite well, go about my business, and do what needs to be done without issue. But this article was about high-functioning anxiety.  Wait.  What?  Yeah, high-functioning anxiety . It's a thing.  I'll tell you right now that NOT EVERY SINGLE THING in the article or video were me.  But many were.  My mouth kind of hung open.  I watched it a second time.  I read the article.  I nodded.  I shook my head a few times in disagreement too.  The opening lines to the article go like this:

High-functioning anxiety looks like…Achievement. Busyness. Perfectionism.

HUH?  That's a bad thing?  No, it's not.  *She argues in disbelief* But then it goes on further down:

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm. (<--- Oh snap. *sigh* Okay, I'm listening now.)

Are you curious about the rest?  Read the full article right HERE. Needless to say, the more I read, the more I realized that even if I didn't possess all of the qualities, there were enough similarities to stop and pay attention.  It's not worth going into which ones I resonated with and which ones I didn't.  The important thing is that by the end of the article I wasn't sure if I felt sad, relieved, enlightened, empowered...all of the above? The fact that someone else understood what I meant blew my mind. The friend who sent it to me got it.  The woman writing the article got it. I found myself at a consultation for a new tattoo today talking about anxiety with the tattoo artists, and they GOT IT. In fact, they brought it up first! These two lovely, talented women were sitting there talking about many of the same things from the article.  

So what's the point in all of this? It all clicked for me.  I found a connection in my anxiousness, my self-doubt, my desire to protect myself from vulnerability, my busy mind and need to stay in motion...

I HAVE to find a place of self-acceptance.  I HAVE to stop putting myself under a microscope and seeking flaws.  It sounds easier than it truly is.  And I know I won't wake up tomorrow feeling magically better.  Even this week I've struggled with people I care about pulling back from me and feeling as though there was just something inherently wrong with me that pushed people away. That I was just "too much" for anyone but my own immediate family. (No seriously, please don't do that arguing thing. It just makes me uncomfortable, and this honesty stuff is hard enough. No one said self-doubt makes sense.)  Vulnerability is SO hard, yet it's necessary in order to find that elusive TRIBE our hearts seek. Yet behind the anxiousness and doubt, I have this strong sense that it must surely be worth it.  Because there's a special place in life for people who love you unconditionally without the ties of being related...just that they love you for you, in spite of you, because of YOU. 

And I'll get there. I'm trying. And as frightening as it is to post this, to be so open and vulnerable, I know that others must surely feel the same.  And what if posting it means even one other person feels less alone? If two ladies I meet for the first time are talking about the very things I read in an article--less than 24 hrs after reading it--that's not an accident.  And maybe I'm SUPPOSED to share. Okay God, I'm listening.

*Deep breath*

And YOURSELF.  Love yourself just as hard.  Because you matter.