If you've NEVER been ANXIOUS, don't read this!!!

Habits are Hard to Break

I literally deleted the first sentence four times.  I was going to try and be funny, you know, to deflect.  Instead, I'll leave you with this and move on...

No, but seriously...

It's been a crazy whirlwind the last few weeks.  Lots of change, lots of adjustments, and a lot of stretching that ever-growing comfort zone.  Surprisingly enough, the most uncomfortable stretch I'm struggling with currently isn't about my job or my family...it's how I see myself...my self-worth. 

*GASP*

Before you shake your head in disbelief, let me just preempt your arguments.  So what if I'm outgoing and active online?  So what if I have a quirky sense of humor, love to laugh, and act goofy more times than not?  All of those things are true, no doubt.  But that doesn't change that many of us have insecurities and negative habits where our self-worth is concerned.  I've previously mentioned body image (HERE if you're curious) and being introverted (HERE if you're further curious) and even my constant need to apologize for over clarifying (HERE if you have the same problem habit).

One of my favorite books (and it's a decent movie) is The Secret Life of Bees.  The book follows a teenage girl as she leaves home to search for answers and fill the holes in her life...in her heart. Lily feels that she is unlovable. There's far more to it than just the little bit I'm hinting at here.  The cast is a powerhouse team of beautiful women during the Civil Rights era.  It's a story...or a journey really...of heartache, searching, and ultimately love and acceptance. I never get tired of re-reading it or even watching the movie. In fact, I think I'm about due again.  I suggest the ebook because you're going to highlight. Just saying.

I'm going to get kind of serious here, so beware...you've been warned.

"Lily feels that she is unlovable." <--- Did you read that up there? The first time I watched the movie, the moment she admits that wrecked me.  Why?  Because I've spent the majority of my life feeling unlovable.  I'm already rolling my eyes right now because this is the point where everyone wants to argue with someone when they say something like that.  Don't do it.  Just stop where you are and realize there's another message to this blog post.  YES, I've been married for 20 years, yes I have two children, and yes I have family that loves me.  But we all have pasts.  The older we get, the more mistakes we make in life.  It's a part of human nature.  Somewhere early on a tiny seed of self-doubt began to grow, and then the belief that I was inherently not enough blossomed. I had a knack for choosing the wrong people to trust, and it chipped away at my confidence and security to the point that I built a wall I kept firmly between me and the rest of the world.

For a long time I had the tendency to gravitate towards people with super outgoing, magnetic personalities that had so many friends there was always a disposable rotation of them.  I could comfortably be my introverted self and watch, listen, and go along with whatever they wanted.  Because I was just okay being included in their presence and that they seemingly wanted me around.  *I'm gagging at myself a little here*  I mean, seriously, how gross is that? The last time a friendship like that went badly, I realized (after a lengthy heartbroken period) that the fact remained the "friendship" meant far more to me than it did to the other individual.  I completely removed myself from any chances of getting to know someone to the point that I'd get attached...for years. I really and truly thought something was wrong with ME. Another point that solidified that was when someone I worked with awhile ago mistook my sincerity and desire to be a good coworker as some needy desire to be friends.  And this person actually said something along the lines, "I think the problem here is that you just want us to be good friends." OhMyGosh.  WHAT?!?!?! That was SUCH a humiliating moment for me because I wasn't even thinking along those lines, and it made me feel like people must see me as some gross, needy person.  Ugh.  I was hurt for a long time about that until I realized the problem was with that person, not me. Aside from my inability to choose wisely, I'm starting to see more that I'm not some terribly flawed individual. I'm ME.  And why does that have to be wrong?

As for that wall I retreated behind, wow has God been removing bricks for the last couple of years. Recently, I followed a link from a tweet that caught my attention. I started reading an article and stumbled onto a name that someone previously mentioned.  I hadn't dug into Brené Brown's work much yet, but this article made me stop and pay attention.  This quote absolutely whacked me upside my thick skull, "... a pervasive sense of shame makes many of us—particularly in America—feel unworthy of human connection. Why the shame? Because in this perfectionistic culture, most of us believe we’re “not good enough . . . not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough” to be worthy of love. So we can’t afford to let our guard down, become vulnerable, because letting others see us as we really are would mean we’d be rejected out of hand. Better to avoid emotional risk, avoid vulnerability, and numb ourselves to any pain we can’t escape. "  I might've cried when I read that.  Because it resonated.  Hard.

We all struggle in some form or another in life.  And my knee-jerk reaction to hide behind a wall of self-protection might keep me from feeling the vulnerability that Brené Brown described is normal but not the best solution.

This amazing quote came across my path, and it aptly describes human nature far better than I can.

We are NOT islands unto ourselves, and human nature craves the connection of others...the acceptance...feeling a part of something.  And when we feel as though others we value pull away or keep us at arm's length, it fuels that self-doubt.  It's yet another reason why it is so important to choose wisely when looking for our tribe.  I hope to find my tribe someday.  That safe place where I feel like it's okay to just relax and be me without second-guessing when they will get annoyed with me and pull away.

Fast forward a couple of weeks...

Second serious warning (no seriously, I'm going to be super honest here)...

A very dear friend sent me a link to a video recently, and on further inspection I found an entire article on the subject.  We've all heard about anxiety, but I NEVER classified myself as having anxiety.  I've known people with very debilitating anxiety, and I DO NOT struggle with that.  I function quite well, go about my business, and do what needs to be done without issue. But this article was about high-functioning anxiety.  Wait.  What?  Yeah, high-functioning anxiety . It's a thing.  I'll tell you right now that NOT EVERY SINGLE THING in the article or video were me.  But many were.  My mouth kind of hung open.  I watched it a second time.  I read the article.  I nodded.  I shook my head a few times in disagreement too.  The opening lines to the article go like this:

High-functioning anxiety looks like…Achievement. Busyness. Perfectionism.

HUH?  That's a bad thing?  No, it's not.  *She argues in disbelief* But then it goes on further down:

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm. (<--- Oh snap. *sigh* Okay, I'm listening now.)

Are you curious about the rest?  Read the full article right HERE. Needless to say, the more I read, the more I realized that even if I didn't possess all of the qualities, there were enough similarities to stop and pay attention.  It's not worth going into which ones I resonated with and which ones I didn't.  The important thing is that by the end of the article I wasn't sure if I felt sad, relieved, enlightened, empowered...all of the above? The fact that someone else understood what I meant blew my mind. The friend who sent it to me got it.  The woman writing the article got it. I found myself at a consultation for a new tattoo today talking about anxiety with the tattoo artists, and they GOT IT. In fact, they brought it up first! These two lovely, talented women were sitting there talking about many of the same things from the article.  

So what's the point in all of this? It all clicked for me.  I found a connection in my anxiousness, my self-doubt, my desire to protect myself from vulnerability, my busy mind and need to stay in motion...

I HAVE to find a place of self-acceptance.  I HAVE to stop putting myself under a microscope and seeking flaws.  It sounds easier than it truly is.  And I know I won't wake up tomorrow feeling magically better.  Even this week I've struggled with people I care about pulling back from me and feeling as though there was just something inherently wrong with me that pushed people away. That I was just "too much" for anyone but my own immediate family. (No seriously, please don't do that arguing thing. It just makes me uncomfortable, and this honesty stuff is hard enough. No one said self-doubt makes sense.)  Vulnerability is SO hard, yet it's necessary in order to find that elusive TRIBE our hearts seek. Yet behind the anxiousness and doubt, I have this strong sense that it must surely be worth it.  Because there's a special place in life for people who love you unconditionally without the ties of being related...just that they love you for you, in spite of you, because of YOU. 

And I'll get there. I'm trying. And as frightening as it is to post this, to be so open and vulnerable, I know that others must surely feel the same.  And what if posting it means even one other person feels less alone? If two ladies I meet for the first time are talking about the very things I read in an article--less than 24 hrs after reading it--that's not an accident.  And maybe I'm SUPPOSED to share. Okay God, I'm listening.

*Deep breath*

And YOURSELF.  Love yourself just as hard.  Because you matter.