As a diehard introvert, my comfort zone has always been tightly woven around me like a comfortable sweater. My zone wouldn't even qualify as a bubble because round would've been too spacious. The last couple of years have been
As a teenager, I was painfully shy. I was the kid who would do TWO projects so I
could still receive an A once I refused to present the first. In Jr. High I had
a teacher who allowed me to come in during lunch to present my project to her. In high school I had a couple of teachers who
not only understood but allowed the extra work so I could keep the high grades
I worked so hard for. These days, I’m usually not shy. It’s always funny to me when I say I’m an
introvert and someone says, “No you aren’t! You are not shy at all!” That’s correct, I’m not—usually. I still have
moments since old habits are hard to break. But introverted and shy are not the
same.
A few years ago, I was obligated to attend a holiday dinner
with Wes. Most of the attendees were
upper level team members, and let me tell you I felt as out of place as
possible. Two things happened that left
me wanting to crawl so far out of my skin that I’d be unrecognizable for the
remainder of my days. The initial
problem was we weren’t able to select our own meals, and it was served family
style. I’m not ashamed of the fact I’ve
always been a picky eater, nor am I ashamed to say I had food issues earlier in
my life. (but that’s an entirely different subject covered HERE) It’s part of
who I am. But already being
uncomfortable makes those traits flare and pulse with a life of their own. The moment I looked down at my plate and saw
a tiny squid looking back at me (tentacles and all), I was D O N E with that
meal. Oh well, not a big thing,
right? In the scheme of things, it was
cake.
The traumatizing part came after the meal while
everyone
chatted innocently. I was content to
listen and watch for the most part. Some
of the conversation was pretentious (you know how it is in larger groups), but
the people were fairly nice. Fate
decided to twist the night from uncomfortable to gruesome on a horror movie
level. Wes’s VP announced she wanted
everyone to go around the table and introduce themselves. Not only that, she wanted everyone to tell
the group something interesting about themselves. This is where my soul ran screaming from me
leaving a shell of panic and horror.
What in the ACTUAL Hell was I doing there? She wanted me to not only speak in front of
everyone but talk about myself on top of it.
Had someone offered me a way out via death at that moment, I might’ve
taken them up on it. (**whispers** I
so would’ve.) Despite my love of learning about other people and things,
and my enjoyment of listening, I have never liked talking about myself. I still don’t. I know I must’ve looked like a deer in
headlights when Wes glanced over at me.
Oh, he knew. Wait, it gets worse.
everyone
chatted innocently. I was content to
listen and watch for the most part. Some
of the conversation was pretentious (you know how it is in larger groups), but
the people were fairly nice. Fate
decided to twist the night from uncomfortable to gruesome on a horror movie
level. Wes’s VP announced she wanted
everyone to go around the table and introduce themselves. Not only that, she wanted everyone to tell
the group something interesting about themselves. This is where my soul ran screaming from me
leaving a shell of panic and horror.
What in the ACTUAL Hell was I doing there? She wanted me to not only speak in front of
everyone but talk about myself on top of it.
Had someone offered me a way out via death at that moment, I might’ve
taken them up on it. (**whispers** I
so would’ve.) Despite my love of learning about other people and things,
and my enjoyment of listening, I have never liked talking about myself. I still don’t. I know I must’ve looked like a deer in
headlights when Wes glanced over at me.
Oh, he knew. Wait, it gets worse.
As if fate hadn't already screwed me over, Wes’s VP looks
down the table – AT ME – and tells me I have to go first. I looked frantically for the black hole I’d
prayed so fervently for but no such luck.
Something you should know about me is that I make awkward jokes when I’m
uncomfortable. I can’t help it. Just call me Chandler Bing. (FRIENDS
reference for those poor souls who don’t know) I managed to fumble out
the basics, but I still hadn’t landed on something interesting to say. As far as I was concerned, there was NOTHING interesting
to say. In the last split second I choked
out, “… and I really hate speaking in public.”
**CRICKETS** So. Many. CRICKETS.
What felt like a lifetime was really only a couple of
seconds before Wes jumped in with his turn and did that magnificent thing he
does of speaking in public with ease. Seriously,
what IS that ability? I swear it’s a
super power. Needless to say, I heard
about my response later. Apparently, it
was entirely inappropriate.
Know what else is inappropriate? Putting me on the spot in front of 25+ people. I promise whatever anyone else thought could not have superseded my own burning shame. During that time of my life, I truly believed being an introvert was a detriment, something that made me weaker than other people. I. WAS. WRONG. Somewhere along the way I’ve realized there is absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. Granted, being stagnant and not fostering personal growth isn’t healthy either. Like everything else in life, balance is a necessity.
BY THE WAY, I'd nail it now. I might be uncomfortable, but I'd be confident ... at least on the outside. *wink* (hey, who said growing happened quickly?) I've had more opportunities since then to speak and be "on", and even if it's still hard, I don't back down. Maybe I'll have more chances. *shrugs*
At the time I had my own small business sewing boutique hair bows online and at craft shows. I was constantly busy, but I was firmly out of the regular world. Fast forward a couple of years, and I think I might’ve lost my mind somewhere along the way. I took a job in social media. Granted, I could still work from home (Or Starbucks, the car, sitting at a stoplight, from bed, at school functions … you get the drift … the over doing it is strong in this one, folks.), but I was also in a position suddenly to have to be “ON” all of the time. I’d rather eat grass than ever make anyone feel dismissed or unseen because I was having an introverted moment. So I learned to set it aside and threw myself into it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a diehard introvert. I’m writing this as I sit on an airplane with my earbuds in so I won’t be obligated to carry on a conversation. There’s nothing playing on the earbuds. **face palm** #notevensorry
Know what else is inappropriate? Putting me on the spot in front of 25+ people. I promise whatever anyone else thought could not have superseded my own burning shame. During that time of my life, I truly believed being an introvert was a detriment, something that made me weaker than other people. I. WAS. WRONG. Somewhere along the way I’ve realized there is absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. Granted, being stagnant and not fostering personal growth isn’t healthy either. Like everything else in life, balance is a necessity.
BY THE WAY, I'd nail it now. I might be uncomfortable, but I'd be confident ... at least on the outside. *wink* (hey, who said growing happened quickly?) I've had more opportunities since then to speak and be "on", and even if it's still hard, I don't back down. Maybe I'll have more chances. *shrugs*
At the time I had my own small business sewing boutique hair bows online and at craft shows. I was constantly busy, but I was firmly out of the regular world. Fast forward a couple of years, and I think I might’ve lost my mind somewhere along the way. I took a job in social media. Granted, I could still work from home (Or Starbucks, the car, sitting at a stoplight, from bed, at school functions … you get the drift … the over doing it is strong in this one, folks.), but I was also in a position suddenly to have to be “ON” all of the time. I’d rather eat grass than ever make anyone feel dismissed or unseen because I was having an introverted moment. So I learned to set it aside and threw myself into it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a diehard introvert. I’m writing this as I sit on an airplane with my earbuds in so I won’t be obligated to carry on a conversation. There’s nothing playing on the earbuds. **face palm** #notevensorry
Too many things
happened in a couple of years to go through them all. I’ve met the most amazing people and made
friendships that continue to surprise me.
After some bad experiences, I’d vowed to steer clear of getting beyond
acquaintance with people. I did really well for a long time, but the nature of
my job found me unexpectedly connecting with others. And the overall idea I’ve
come to embrace comes from something I read awhile back. It mentioned intentionally doing things to
make yourself uncomfortable. And I
haven’t stopped. Don’t get me wrong, my
brain is still constantly working, and oh the anxiousness roiling in stomach
when it's throttling full speed ahead … but I haven’t stopped doing new things. In fact, I’m learning to be
excited by the possibilities so that there’s something positive warring alongside
the anxiousness. Someday the excitement
will outweigh the anxiousness until many of these things will no longer be
uncomfortable. #goals
